Quarantimer App Review. Humanity is currently going through the middle of one of the most erratic and painful years seen in recent history. People all around the world have expressed their more than justified concerns towards some current events such as the menace of a possible third world war, the big fires that took place in Australia, or if Elon Musk is really going to name his son as a Deadmau5 album’s title. Nonetheless, due to the mandatory quarantine, everyone has been recently forced to reduce their options to spend the day to ignore their inner concerns and unsolved traumas
Finding an ideal way to manage your time for at least once in your life seems to be a genuine concern. But you don’t have to worry anymore: the brand-new Quarantimer™ is the perfect solution for you. This brand-new app works with an Artificial Intelligence that helps users organize their daily activities to achieve them successfully. The Quarantimer™ adapts its settings to the routine and necessities of each client, thanks to a sophisticated mechanism of reckless stealing and analysis of private information; which in words of its founders, is maybe “as good as the one done by Facebook”.
The Quarantimer works differently with each user, with many functions that will be unlocked depending on the amount of undone chores. They can go from announcing the activities the user must be doing, to controlling other devices and do things as closing your Netflix session and not allow you to use it again until you take a shower. It can break up with your significant other if they’re taking some precious time away from you. The design of the standard is set-up to take different elements from modern European work systems that have grown productivity in different companies worldwide. It incorporates the personality of controlling mothers and possessive girlfriends –which have increased productivity in toxic households all around the world–; achieving an ideal combination between working productivity, willingness to perform specific duties, and a distinct Oedipus complex.
This product turned out to be so precise that it also considers the amount of time destined to go to the bathroom, procrastinate, and even the amount of seconds wasted watching the ads in this app and others you may use.
This life-changing app helps you make a difference in your new locked-up daily basis. Its diverse ways of usage can represent a significant improvement in different areas such as your health care, your job performance, or even your FIFA Ultimate Team ranking.
If you want to watch a new show as you wake up after a ten-hour sleep, it can ask you to do the 30-minutes exercise routine you promised you would start on Monday. If you intend to take a third nap, the app will begin playing “Blue” by Eiffel 65 on a loop until you get up and finish your pending report. The app even instantly blocks all the texts you send to your ex past midnight and suggests new websites to indulge in visual vices, just as a personal favor.
The rumors say that if you try to avoid the Quarantimer’s commands, the app will play spoilers of the show you are currently watching, write racist slurs on your Facebook page and send it to your boss, or pay for a hitman to hunt and murder you.
The effectiveness rate of the Quarantimer is so high that it was voted third in the “100 Most Useful and Indispensables Products for Quarantine” list, just after Netflix and porn, and way above masks (placed #87) and antibacterial gel (#94).
Users all around the world are so pleased with the app that it has been ranked 4 out of 5 stars in the Play Store. Further, it is suspected that a huge percentage of the negative reviews came from frustrated moms who could not handle their sons, finally taking control of their lives by following the advice they’ve spent years yelling across their homes.
Either way, it is still receiving way better user reviews than The Last Of Us: Part 2. Actually, the public opinion is currently supporting the Quarentimer so hard, that some experts in politics and specialized media have stated their interest and recommendation for the app’s A.I to run for president in the future.
The genius behind Quarantimer, the 28 years old millionaire Elliot Most, was so pleased about the success of the app that he stated on a Twitter thread: “Why did I do it? Well, I am rich, which means that my quarantine is way better than yours, and I can lock myself up in my mansion and work on something productive. I am also a philanthropist, so this is my gift for those who have to go through this.” Later in the thread, he talked about the development team behind Quarantimer and their efforts: “To understand the dynamics and necessities of a locked life, we spent a lot of resources studying the lifestyle of top World of Warcraft players. It was fun to watch the reactions of these nerds when we turned off their Wi-Fi.”
Verdict: Don’t miss the chance to take advantage of the situation and hold the reins of your life, even if it is by letting an artificial intelligence entity do it for you. If the Quarantimer™ were a person, it would tell you to download the app.