Every day, we see more and more people complain about how hard it is to access their favorite ISIS execution videos, buy drugs from their preferred online marketplace, or hire a professional Hitman to kill unpleasant members of their family. But after countless hours of evading justice and thinking in a reliable solution for their customers’ problems, the DarkWeb people decided to come up with an ambitious idea: the Darkphone. The Darkphone is the newest proposal that takes away all of the obstacles standing between you and what is considered inappropriate, disgusting or even illegal. You can finally have quick and secure access to the world’s most twisted content, kindly condensed in the form of an elegant smartphone, with a 12MP camera, 64GB of storage space and many different colors available!
The Darkphone contains the same functions of a normal smartphone, but its attractiveness is completely based on its operating system. This phone’s software works directly with the DarkWeb and all of its apps without the need for an alternate processor. The possibilities are endless! If you’ve had enough of driving to the grocery store to buy a gun, by using the new GunHub you can order it and receive it directly in your home. If the delivery guy takes over thirty minutes to arrive with your package, he will be executed on a private streaming session with you, which you can instantly share with your friends!
Tired of waiting for that old-fashioned dealer to arrive with your precious drugs? Try UberDrugs. Can’t find a decent Hitman to finally kill the person who fired you from your last job, even if that was completely your fault because you couldn’t stop laughing out loud at ISIS execution videos? Try Murder.io. Or maybe you’ll want to relax a little after a hard day of work and watch a free movie. No worries: Pirateflix has the best movie catalog available, and 80% percent chances of finding a poorly recorded version with Chinese subtitles of your favorite films. And of course, here’s something for the little ones: Methlab, a useful tool to learn step-by-step how to cook your first meth batch.
A significant number of renowned investors have collaborated in the developing of this product, and many of them have shared how pleased they are with the results. We got a few words from one of the most outstanding contributors of the Darkphone project, who asked to keep his name a secret as he is a public personality, so to protect his identity we decided to call him Marcos Kuczerberg. “There are many groups and communities that have always looked for a commonplace to share their lives and interests. We have created a product that offers an awesome meeting space for the outcasts, to successfully cover all the necessities they might have. Nevertheless, this phone also has room for those who have boring hobbies or regular lives. For example, you can download Facebook!” said Kuczerberg just before plugging himself into the wall and turning himself off to charge what looked like a big pair of batteries poking from his back.
The acceptance rate of the Darkphone has been sensational. The public has not stopped sending positive comments and reviews, where they praise the wonders of the Darkphone. XXXR4inbowD4shXXX, an early user of the product, has already bought eight of them and wrote on his personal blog: “My colleagues and I have felt the disgusting glances upon us our whole lives. We have been exiled to the darkest part of society. Aren’t we supposed to enjoy life as well? What about us? No one pays us any attention. All of the big companies have always kept us away, only focusing on the market segment they love the most: the rich white people. And now, with this phone, someone finally thought about us: the weirder rich white people.”.
The GPS system incorporated into the phone was specially designed by the best computer engineers of the world and a full team of professional stalkers —which were the same people—. You can set up the GPS functions to let you know when the cops are around, find the best places to hide a body in your area or even help you to point out the most ideal spots to start a mass shooting. This particular feature can also indicate efficient ways to visit the schools in your region, suggesting the best options to approach their students, from candies to drugs (and where to buy them, naturally). In case of emergency, the GPS automatically elaborates different escape routes to other countries, using its friendly and sophisticated maps system. It also recommends some creative and funny new names for your new life at the edge of the law!
But this phone’s functions are not entirely based on things that are beyond legality. The DarkWeb has been used as a refugee for activists that have been persecuted for defending and spreading their ideas, therefore, you can also stand up for your beliefs! The Darkphone gives you a platform to start forums without having the fear of being pursued by the authorities. You can initiate important conversations against vaping prohibition, defend gun ownership, white supremacy, or why you liked the last season of Game of Thrones.
Our verdict: Pure awesomeness. Contact your nearest street vendor to get your hands on the new Darkphone by DarkWeb.