Just in time for a fresh election cycle, a new tech startup says it finally holds the solution to foreign interference in American elections. Nootrusha has invented voting machines powered by Facebook with plans to use the technology in critical state and local government elections. We had an opportunity to learn more about these new machines from lead designer Джон Smith. “We are very pleased to start testing them in the field. There are many important choices ahead. People lose confidence in the system with all these reports of election hacking. The decision looked us all this time in the face. By making the process less obvious, we can help restore this confidence in the election.”
These new IoT connected voting machines take voting technology a quantum leap into the future. With never before seen conveniences, features, and security measures. You might need sunglasses when you checkout out the bright new 4k OLED touchscreens that display inspirational messages such as “OBEY”, “CONSUME”, and “CONFORM”. Security is an ever-growing concern in the new digital age, and Nootrusha has added features like facial recognition, non-invasive infrared retinal test, and rectal scanning to help assure nobody can steal your identity or vote. For those that feel the new security measures have the potential for abuse, Джон notes that there are also super cool filters that transform your face in real-time. A cute puppy nose and ears, The Mask from the 1994 hit movie The Mask starring Jim Carrey, and dark mode Justin Trudeau are some of the most popular choices in their usability testing. Nootrusha says they have many more in development with the hopes they’ll be ready for the field trials. A “flappy ears” filter in honor of Ross Perot with a toggle that changes them to Barak Obama. And there’s also the limited edition “stained dress” filter by Monica Lewinsky.
Nootrusha thinks the updates in their design will help make voting more appealing to younger demographics, which historically have a substantially lower turnout in elections despite being unhappy about the current state of like - everything. Jenny from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, had a lot of praise for the new voting machines. “This is so awesome! I love that it let me register with Facebook. And at first, the security stuff had me worried, but then I turned on the Drake filter, AND I HAD DRAKE’S BEARD WITH A GRILL. It was sooooo yeet. And the auto voting feature is a lifesaver. I tried to look up some of the names, but none of them showed up in Spotify. All I had to do was auto-vote, and it did the rest! It even let me share my Drake selfie on Instagram.”.
Джон says the new auto-voting option helps streamline the voting process more efficiently than any other solutions available on the market. Джон added, “Companies already track all of your personal information and manipulate your entire existence to influence your decisions. Most people can’t afford free will, and being informed isn’t practical. We’ve managed to streamline the process. We can analyze your social media account to make the same decisions that you would have made yourself. Of course, the more often you use Facebook, the more accurate the results will be. Therefore, we strongly recommend that voters spend as much time using the app as possible. Your Facebook app usage might even be a great measure of patriotism when we expand the program”.
He went on to explain how the auto-voting feature uses proprietary machine learning and artificial intelligence algorithms to determine the selections it makes for you. “First, we take all of the content that you and your friends share on social media and completely filter them out of the data. We do this to prevent personal bias impacting the results. That leaves us mostly with advertisements, but it’s good enough. Based on that content, we can easily choose the candidates you will resonate with the most. It could be the latest elderly jingoist running for president or some new up and coming representative with grand ideas for change and few plans to practically see them through. The system is very flexible and responds well across the political spectrum. We are helping voters spend more time relishing in the election spectacles and less time worrying about where their vote goes.”
Not everyone is excited about the changes, though. A representative from Mosourri’s 7th district says the new Facebook integration in the voting machines poses a danger for young voters. “We already have plenty of ways to mislead, I mean, inform voters. TV, radio, and newspapers have worked perfectly fine for decades. Mr. Facebook has no business trying to get inside the machines we use to vote. And as concerned parents, we’re confident these social media trends will go away if we can make them illegal. They encourage kids to spend too much time on their smartphones instead of watching TV or reading newspapers. We shouldn’t allow it. There’s enormous potential for abuse. Why isn’t anyone thinking of the children?! What if foreign influences start taking advantage of young impressionable voters before we do? Even worse, these social medias are hurting our local economy and continue to disrupt important businesses. Our only newspaper shut down earlier this year, and they were the primary supporter of my campaign. They’ve been advising me since the beginning. How am I supposed to know what laws I should pass now? Americans everywhere should be outraged that these techno loonies are opening a pandora’s box of harm to the very fabric of our country.”.
There hasn’t been a lot of reaction to the representative’s warnings since he doesn’t have a Facebook account to share them. Still, others who aren’t super lame have raised similar concerns with the technology. But Джон assures everyone that their tech is developed right here in the heartland of America, Silicon Valley, to help Americans remove all the stressful parts of the election season. Allowing them to focus on the parts of it they love. Джон handed us a laser pointer which projected an image of the United States seal with the eagle modified to include a large erect cock and balls. He then drank from a flask of what smelled like vodka and took an uncomfortably long drag from his cigarette.
Джон hopes to see their efforts help to restore peoples faith in elections, without really changing anything.