Dstork Birth Assistant Review. All around the world, people have used animals as products or services in different areas of the economy. We can’t really decide whether this is right or wrong, but the animal rights debate is a difficult subject to participate in from a debate standpoint… Until someone asks, “but have you ever tried bacon?”
Then everyone suddenly goes silent, and you hear nothing but crickets.
Nevertheless, this year the people from Future Farming have brought us a new exciting service that puts them on the podium amongst other companies who have played God. They come with a product whose apocalypse projection is much less frightening and way more amusing: D-Stork, a specialized birth attendant stork.
As ludicrous as it sounds, the D-Stork is exactly what it sounds like: a stork trained in all of its life to become a doctor specialized in obstetrics.
The D-Stork is completely prepared to help any woman give birth without significant complications, so much that it even knows how to look condescendingly at teen moms. Besides, these specialized storks can work all by themselves if necessary, since they can keep their medical tools inside their beak while performing surgery.
When Alex Azar, the United States Secretary of Health and Human Services was questioned about the fact that a medical kit inside a stork’s beak would count as a blatant threat to the hygiene code, he simply said: “you simply do not have time to wonder about such things when you see a bird practicing medicine.” A quick poll on Twitter quickly agreed with the Secretary’s statement.
The D-Stork also can use its wings to fan the woman in labor to prevent hyperventilation. On the other hand, these storks are really careful with the newborn babies. The D-Stork can take the baby’s head with its claws and get it out of the mother as it is taking flight, which is pretty awesome and does not hurt the baby. Indeed, the handling of the stork with the newborn is so subtle that 91% of the babies born with a D-Stork’s assistance do not cry, so the matron bird has to gently peck them a little bit.
One of these storks’ favorite traits is that they do not make any jokes about the baby’s ethnicity or its resemblance to the father, so after labor, they want to get petted or fed.
The intensive training and the financial model behind the success of the D-Stork are all thanks to the effort of Future Farming, a company dedicated to naturally developing services based on popular explanations that parents give to kids to avoid the real answer. They first gained some media attention when they were working on a prototype of mice that would take children’s teeth under their pillows, a project that did not succeed as planned as no one was able to distinguish the difference between the cool and happy little tooth mouse and a regular one.
The Future Farming team also tried to profit with educational videos telling kids where babies come from throughout a series of graphic images using real bees as examples. The result turned out to be so disgusting that the footage was declared illegal in several countries, and it also made the producers of Bee Movie refuse to make a second part of the film.
“The key to success behind the D-Stork is behind the training process”, said Mitchell Arias, the CEO and founder of Future Farming, someone who will be remembered for having terrible ideas but the perfect methods to approach them. “I do not trust robots, but as a millionaire, I also believe in destroying all jobs possible for the working class. But instead of replacing the employees with machines I prefer using animals, so you can call me the Elon Musk of involution”, said Arias, who has a strange love for the movie Ratatouille.
Nonetheless, training storks to become obstetricians turned out way better than expected. The birds first were submitted to The Ludovico Technique, a fictional aversion therapy used in “A Clockwork Orange, “ which worked perfectly on these animals. In order to repudiate their natural impulses, the storks were obligated to watch hours of footage of their species in their common habitat, doing such things as nesting, eating different insects, or just standing on the edge of a lake. As they watch these images, they are supplied with substances that provide displeasure and anguish to the storks, like oil residues or plastic.
The medical training is described as just simpler, as for a stork to become a doctor, the most difficult things to learn are hidden smoking, drinking too much scotch, and arriving late everywhere.
Against all odds, the D-Storks became a hit. People loved the materialization of the absurd belief of babies being brought into this lovely planet by storks. Hospitals, clinics, and even families ordered hundreds of thousands of D-Storks. Even the Grey’s Anatomy’s producers stated their interest in including one of them into the cast. The public acceptance rate was so positive that the government is working to redirect funds for the COVID-19 vaccine to the training of eagles, the natural predator of storks, to become nurses and chiropractors.
Verdict: 10/10. If well trained could perfectly work as the lead actor of a House M.D. reboot. Still a better actor than Freddie Highmore.